I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
