The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
