Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
