i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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