my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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