see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
