Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
