3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
