I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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