I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
