u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
