i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
