I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
