My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Do vagina's smell?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
