i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
