Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
