Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
