yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
