I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
