Where is the hickey?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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