If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
