I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
