checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
