Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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