If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
