i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
