Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
