I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
