the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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