We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
