Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I've blown a few things in my day
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
