How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
