In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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