I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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