The maid of honor just puked.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
