Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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