there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
