So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
