You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
