I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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