Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
