If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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