I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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