Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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