I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
