why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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