# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
