It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
