...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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