lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
